Francine Must Die!
by gregterry480
Summary: Stan decides to kill his wife.
1. The choice

Stan Smith walked into the CIA office. It was election day, and things had gone badly. Obama had been elected for a 2nd term. Mitt Romney had lost.

"America is doomed," Stan said.

He went on his CIA computer. "Let's see the names of all of the horrible people who voted for Obama today," said Stan.

He looked at the list.

"Damn it," said Stan. "Hayley voted for Obama. Of course she did. She hates America and has sex with trees!"

Then he saw Francine's name.

"No!" he cried out. "It's not possible!"

Stan decided that Francine must die.


	2. Be careful what you sign

Stan went into Bullock's office.

"Bullock, I'm going to kill my wife and need this permission slip signed," said Stan handing his boss a sheet of paper.

"Does this mean that I'll be able to bang Hayley again now?" Bullock asked.

"Um...no," said Stan.

Bullock signed the paper.

"There you are, Smith...I've just given you permission to assassinate..."

His eyes widened with horror when he read what he had just signed.

"NOOOOOO!" screamed Bullock. "I'VE GIVEN YOU PERMISSION TO KILL ME!"

"Boss," said Stan, pulling out his gun. "You're fired!"

"Smith, please!" cried Bullock, getting down on his knees. "At least give me a sporting chance. Like we gave Jeff when I told you to kill him..."

Stan rubbed his chin, considering the matter.

"Hmmmmmm," went Stan. "It might be kind of fun...but, dammit, I had the perfect one liner earlier, and you ruined it by begging. DIE!"

Then he went on to load Bullock with 30 bullets.

Stan picked up Bullock's badge and looked at it. He was now boss of the CIA, and would do everything in his power to kill his wife.

"You voted for Death today, Francine," Stan said as he looked out the window. "And for once, the canidate is going to deliver on his promise."


	3. Goodbye Steve

Stan had taken over the CIA! He was now on his way to his house to see if Francine was home. All he found was Steve playing chess with himself.

"Hi, daddy," said Steve with a big smile.

Stan said nothing and just went to the fridge. He pulled a glass of soda out and put poison in it. Then he went over to his son.

"So how as school, son?" said Stan, taking a seat at the table. "Did your mother pick you up?"

"No," said Steve. "I walked home from school."

"Did your mother call you on youir cell phone?"

"No."

"Do you know where your mother is?"

"No."

Stan glared at his boy, full of hate. "I don't believe you."

He took the glass of soda and gave it to Steve. "Happy birthday son!"

Steve drank it, then looked sick.

"It's not my birthday, dad! What is this?"

Then Steve's face turned blue. He flopped to the floor.

Stan picked up his son and took him up to the bathroom. Then he took off his clothing and put in him the bathtub. He turned the water on, boiling hot.

"My poor son fell asleep in the bathtub and drowned," said Stan, closing the door shut and saying goodnight to his boy forever.


	4. Looking for clues

Stan was running out of time! He wanted to kill his wife before she found out he had murdered their son. So he went outside and began searching in Jeff's van for clues.

"Hey, Mr. S," said Jeff, who was stoned. "Did you have a nice election day?"

"Of course I didn't!" yelled Stan. "Obama got re-elected, and America is going to turn into Russia! Where's Francine?"

"You mean Mrs. S?" said Jeff. "I haven't seen her since she and Hayley went out to vote."

"Of course!" shouted Stan, pounding his fist down on the floor of the van. "Why wouldn't Hayley be behind this?! I bet she's the one who talked Francine into voting in the first place!"

"Why are you so mad, Mr. S?" asked Jeff, who was stoned.

Stan didn't respond. He picked up Jeff's toilet can, and dumped its contents into his son-in-law's mouth. The boy choked.

"Jesus, Mr. S, what is wrong with you?!" Jeff cried.

Stan placed his gun inside of Jeff's mouth.

"Smoke this!" he said, and he blew Jeff's brains out.

Stan hopped out of the van and set it on fire.

"You haven't won, Francine!" Stan shouted to the heavens. "You haven't won!"


	5. Roger doesn't survive this chapter

Stan was determined to find Hayley! He knew that she must know where Francine was, and he would stop at nothing to get the information from her. But instead of finding Hayley inside her room, he just found Roger instead.

"Hey, Stan, I want Hayley's room," said Roger, who was wearing Hayley's clothing. "My attic gets cold in November."

"Never mind that crap!" growled Stan. "Where's Hayley?"

"I ate her," said Roger.

"You what?" yelled Stan, alarmed. If Hayley was dead, he might never find out where Francine was hiding!

"Of course not, I'm just fucking with you," said Roger. "But that's what I'll do if you don't give me Hayley's room. I'll eat Hayley."

Stan grabbed Roger by the throat and rammed him against the wall.

"AAHHHH! YOU'RE HURTING ME! STOP!" screamed Roger.

"Not until you tell me where Francine is!" demanded Stan.

"I thought you were just looking for Hayley..." gasped Roger.

"This was never about Hayley!" snarled Stan. "This was about punishing Francine for ruining America forever!"

"Francine is in your bedroom," said Roger, weeping. "I think she was hoping you'd bang her tonight."

Stan smiled.

"Thank you for your help, Roger," he said. "I will always appreciate it."

Then he snapped the alien's neck.

As Roger's lifeless body flopped down on the ground, Stan picked up his gun and gave it a gentle kiss.

"Oh, I'll bang you tonight, Francine," he said. "Right between the eyes."


	6. Poor Hayley

Stan went up the stairs slowly, trying to be as creepy as possible. This was the moment he had been waiting for. This was when he would kill his wife...

Except that Francine wasn't in his bedroom. In fact, she wasn't even in their bathroom. All he found there was Hayley sitting on the toilet.

"Dad, I'm pooping! What the hell?!" she yelled.

"Funny that you should mention hell," said Stan, closing the bathroom door shut and locking it. "Cause that's exactly where you're going."

"What are you talking about?" asked Hayley, trying to cover herself.

"I'm talking about Francine, you liberal bitch! Where is she?!"

"I think she got bored waiting for you to come home, so I asked her if I could use your bathroom since the other one is flooded for some reason, and then she just left..."

"DAMN IT!" yelled Stan, shooting his gun at the ceiling. "HOW AM I GOING TO KILL HER NOW?!"

As Hayley pulled her pants up, she suddenly looked alarmed.

"Why on earth do you want to kill mom?!" she cried.

"That doesn't matter to you, you worshiper of the earth," said Stan, grabbing Hayley by the hair. "You...you...um, what did Clive Owen say to that one guy before he dunked his head into the toilet in Sin City?"

"Um...'You forgot to flush?'"

"Of course, how could I forget that?" said Stan, chuckling a little. "YOU FORGOT TO FLUSH, WHORE!"

Then he dunked Hayley's head into the toilet. She struggled quite a bit, but soon she was still.

"You have to come home sooner or later, Francine," said Stan. "And when you do, I'll get you ready for your new home...in a coffin."


	7. FRANCINE!

Stan gently stroked his gun, waiting for his wife to come home.

"Soon, my friend, you will get to have your fun," he said in a sweet voice. "And don't worry, I'll protect you from Obama afterwards..."

It was then when the door opened. In walked Francine, wearing bowling shoes.

"Stan, did you know that I have no idea how bowling works?" she said, an exasperated expression on her face. "Because I found that out the hard way tonight."

"THAT'S WHERE YOU WERE?!" roared Stan, losing his cool immediately. "I'VE BEEN HUNTING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU!"

"You've only been looking around the house," said Klaus.

"SHUT UP, FISH!" yelled Stan. He then took a deep breath. "Hey, Francine, could you pretend I didn't explode like that? Because I think this would be much more menacing if I remained calm the entire time like that Spanish assassin in No Country For Old Men."

"What are you talking about?" said Francine, taking off her bowling shoes and rubbing her feet. She then looked around. "Where's Steve? He said something about having his semi-annual election night chess tournament with himself tonight."

"Oh, he..." went Stan, trying to come up with a cool way to tell his wife that he had murdered their only son. "He...drank soda past 6, but it put him to sleep instead of...keeping him awake?"

"Huh?" went Francine.

"You're right, that was terrible," said Stan, looking down with shame.

"Where's Roger?" said Francine, looking around. "Didn't he say was going to try finding out if his pee would freeze internally if he put himself in the freezer with a full bladder?"

"Let's just say there are no longer 50 shades of grey in world," said Stan. "There are 49. Because...you know...Roger was grey."

"Huh?" went Francine.

"Dammit! That sounded so good when I said it in my head, but when I said it outloud, I just...you know what? Forget it."

"Where's Jeff?" asked Francine. "Isn't he supposed to be guarding the fridge to make sure Roger doesn't change his mind and try to escape from the freezer?"

"Jeez. Was everyone supposed to be in the kitchen tonight?" said Stan. "Anyway, something was finally put in his mouth that even he couldn't handle. And no, I'm not talking about a penis, because we both know one's probably been in there by now..."

"Stan...you're acting weird...where's Hayley?"

"She forgot to flush," said Stan, folding his arms. "Hey...that one was actually pretty good. It would be quite witty, in fact, if you knew the context in which I was saying it...which you don't..."

"Huh?" went Francine.

"I KILLED THEM ALL, FRANCINE!" yelled Stan, jumping on the table. "I HAD NO CHOICE! THEY WERE GETTING IN THE WAY OF MY MAIN GOAL, WHICH WAS KILLING YOU!"

Francine looked at her husband, eyes wide.

"You...you what?"

"ARE YOU DEAF NOW?" roared Stan. "I JUST TOLD YOU THAT I...you know what? I'm sorry to do this, but could you again pretend I didn't explode here? Because I think this would be much cooler if I remained cool the whole time like..."

But he was silenced by a fierce slap in the face from his wife.

"YOU...MONSTER!" yelled Francine. "KILLING MY BABIES! KILLING MY SON-IN-LAW! KILLING...ROGER WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!"

"Now, now, Francine," went Stan, rubbing his cheek and backing away. "This isn't my fault. It's actually your's. You left me no choice when you voted for Obama..."

"I...WHAT?!" screamed Francine.

"You voted for Obama and killed America!" yelled Stan. "Don't you know that man is going to send all our babies back into their mothers' wombs just so he can abort them?! That he's going to dig up Charlton Heston's grave just so he can pry his gun from his cold, dead hands?! That he's going to use the constitution as toilet paper, but not to wipe his ass, Francine, but to masturbate into!"

"Stan...I flipped a coin...it was either him or Romney and I couldn't make up my mind! You know I don't follow politics. Hell, I keep confusing Obama with Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson!"

"You know...he does actually look like him," said Stan. "Maybe he could play Obama in the biopic...about a man who was born in Kenya, brought to America under an elaborate conspiracy set up by the Soviet Union, turned into a communist by his America-hating father, raisied among black kids by his white kid-hating white mother, faked his birth certificate and eventually tricked the United States into voting him into office twice just so he could destroy the country. Of course, knowing liberal Hollywood, they'll probably add a lot of fictional stuff to make it hard to believe..."

"ENOUGH!" yelled Francine, pulling out a kitchen knife. "I KILLED MY CELLMATE WHILE IN PRISON, SO I CAN KILL AGAIN! YOU MURDERED MY FAMILY SO NOW I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU!"

"Francine, that's not how this was supposed to work!" cried Stan. "I was supposed to kill you!"

He then looked in his hand, suddenly remembering that he was still holding his gun.

"And I still will," said Stan, pointing his pistol at his wife.

But it wasn't enough. Francine kicked the gun out of Stan's hand, then threw a punch to his face. Stan attempted to throw a punch back at Francine, but she was too quick for him and ducked out of the way. Like lightning she began swinging her blade at his throat.

"Francine, be reasonable!" Stan pleaded as he hid behind a kitchen chair, which his wife promptly sliced in two. "You're the one who deserves to die here, not me!"

Francine responded to this by giving Stan a swift kick in the balls. In pain from the blow, he collapsed to the floor...where his gun was waiting for him.

Weakly, he picked up the gun and began shooting bullets at Francine, but the intense pain in his testicles affected his focus, and she was easily able to do a bunch of backflips in order to avoid his blows.

Then Stan had an idea. He pointed his gun upwards and fired several shots that filled the ceiling with holes, then, using the little strength he had, crawled under the table. There was a lot cracking sound, and before Francine could react, the ceiling at fallen on top of her.

Victorious, Stan climbed out from under the table and pointed his gun directly at his wife's head.

"Any last words, you destroyer of the free world?" he asked her, an obnoxious smirk on his face.

"Stan...please...I'm your wife...you don't have to do this," she begged. "Besides...you'll never get away with this!"

"Oh, won't I?" said Stan. "And who's going to tell on me? I've killed everyone here, Francine! There's no one left to stop me!"

BLAM!

Stan looked down in shock, blood splurting from his chest. He fell to the door, dead.

"That's the last time you forget about me, you sick, conservative fuck!" yelled Klaus, holding a smoking pistol.

"Klaus," went Francine, catching her breath. "You're alive?"

"Of coursed I'm alive!" the fish shouted. "I even had a line in this chapter! Why does everyone forget I exist?!"

"Well, you saved my life, so you're not going to be forgotten by me," said Francine. "Tell me what you want in return, and I'll do it. Anything."

"Anything?"

"Anything."

"Well, in that case," said Klaus, with a very dirty look on his face, "I want for you...TO EAT ME!"

"Very well," said Francine, looking confused. "If you're sure that's what you want..."

"Oh, it is!" yelled Klaus, drooling. "It's what I've ALWAYS wanted!"

Shrugging, Francine picked up Klaus by the tail and put him in her mouth.

"NEIN!" screamed Klaus. "THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT!" But his screams went unheard as he went down her throat, never to be seen again.


End file.
